Outward correspondence

Hi Lee,

We could talk about this stuff for hours but it sounds as though you're on the road to resolution so I'll just contribute a couple of points.

Like your wife I had plenty of sexual contact before marriage, and when I married I made a vow (to myself as well as to the preacher) to be monogamous.

Now, the marital relationship evolves and changes, especially once the family starts. Her attention must shift from you to her children and this casts you in a different light. It also increases pressure on you to be the provider both emotionally and materially.

I describe the marriage at this point as a 'business' relationship, like that with a colleague or business partner. To reach the common goal (more or less, raising a family) it becomes more functional and less romantic. At the same time you are bound together by your social network and material possessions.

Throughout human history until the last decade or two this would be the start of the downhill run; your health would slowly begin to fail, you would cede your life to your children and grandchildren, and sexual needs would be all but forgotten.

In 2009 though we are in much better physical shape and probably less than half way through our lives. What's more, pervasive media tells us we deserve to be sexually active and sexually successful. Not only that, new technology makes it ridiculously easy to make sexual contact.

So we have motive, and we have opportunity. The wonder is that monogamy persists at all - and for many, even most, it doesn't.

Your marriage is operating under a set of rules that didn't exist when you first tied the knot. It has to adapt, or perish. The good news is that you seem to be well on the path to adaptation, however painful, and my guess is that you're going to succeed where so many don't.

Cheers